Fresh off a delayed flight from the land of tacos y burritos, and rockin’ Montezuma’s revenge to the fullest, is your old pal Whutsiznaim. Though my time in the motherland of your favorite driver’s license-less migrant worker was relaxing, leaving with what can only be compared to an ancient Mayan stomach curse is not pleasant. So here’s my advice when hitting up your favorite resort: drink beer. I know it doesn’t seem like the most health or weight conscious thing to do, but I can tell you this: when I was drinking only beer I was fine. When you go to the resorts, especially the all-inclusive ones, they throw free drinks at you like nobody’s business. And even the snobbiest of drink snobs (me being one of them), feels obligated to get a pina colada, strawberry daiquiri, bellini, or some other drink that only gets ordered at Red Lobster whilst roasting their epidermis in the piss-filled pools. But in retrospect, it’s not a good idea. I know we’re supposed to believe that the water in all of these places is filtered so our little American stomachs can handle the parasites that swim in the disgusting Mexican water, but I don’t think it is. Our resort (which shall remain nameless), came highly recommended and with a 5-star rating, but one melted ice cube and your boy was done-ski. Upon speaking to an engineering expert last night, the process involved in “filtering the water,” is insanely expensive and involves “reverse osmosis.” Now frankly I have no idea what that is, but it doesn’t sound anything like “Buy a Brita pitcher and change the filter when the digital readout flashes.” I say stay away.
The good news is that Mexico has a delicious selection of home grown beers. Sol sort of tastes like a Mexican Budweiser, or as we call it “Corona.” If you like a darker, richer beer there is Negra Modelo which is simply delicious. If you prefer a lager, go with Dos Equis which is kind of a more mild, Mexican Heineken. Tecate (which actually produces Sol and Dos Equis) is also a good choice, with a simple and inoffensive beer taste. The other great news is that basically all of these beers taste great with a lime squeezed in them, an old Mexican tradition allegedly started by field workers to keep flies out of their beer. But frankly, doesn’t lime make everything taste better? So book yourself a trip to Mexico, and when people laugh and say “Don’t drink the water,” take them even more seriously than they mean. And remember this: when the waiter/waitress asks what you’ll have, the answer should always be “Cerveza por favor.” You’ll get fatter, will probably not get drunk even after 10 of them, and you’ll have a mild headache, but at least you’ll be preserving the longevity and use of your anus.Fancy