R.I.P Jacko, You Were More Wacko Than I Even Thought

After months of waiting, Michael Jackson’s autopsy results have been released.  Though the cause of death never exactly seemed to be in question, many interesting facts have now been revealed, and the truths have come to light.   By truths of course, I am referring to his bizarre plastic surguries, cosmetic alterations, and self-mutalations. Though it was proved that he did in fact have Vitaligo, and didn’t actually bleach his skin like many thought, the oddities were just well, odd. Here are some of my favorite details from the 51 page document:

1. Michael’s hair was “sparse and connected to a wig.”  I knew it looked weird.  I imagine that each strand of the wig was individually plucked from the mane of a young Gypsy Vanner Horse, from the most lush of farms in the United Kingdom.

2. Michael tattooed not only his eyeliner, but also the “pink” color of his lips. The eyeliner thing is pretty common, and his sheer femininity makes this far less surprising.  But his freakin’ lips? That’s just (sigh)….

3. Examiners found “puncture wounds” on Jackson’s right neck, right arm, “both arms and both ankles.” These were just a few of the 13 punctures the found. I’m assuming Michael liked to use his own body as a life sized VooDoo doll, and would often practice Santeria, hoping to cause harm to “mean people.”

4. At the time of death, Michael was 5’9, but weighed 136 pounds, like I did when I was 11 years old.

5. Mike also had a “red discoloration” that was “prominent on the center of his chest.”  Sunburn? Chest waxing? S&M perhaps? Nah, definitely not S&M.

6. For what the Daily News referred to as “reasons unclear,” the examiners said there was “an external urine catheter present.”  It was present? Like he had a pee bag installed, or did he just like to carry it around in his pocket?

7. The report also stated that”chronic lung inflammation, respiratory bronchiolitis, diffuse congestion and patchy hemorrhage of right and left lungs.”  Holy crap dude, I’m no Dr. but it kind of sounds like you were dying?

Dearest Michael, how did someone like you have so many people like myself looking up to you in the 80′s? You sir were a trainwreck.  May you finally rest in peace.

Love,

Whutsiznaim

Source: NY Daily News