Curling: Best Sport Ever

Prior to Saturday February 20th, 2010 at 11:35pm, I hadn’t watched as much as a frame of the 2010 Winter Olympics.  But since the wife was sick, and there was nothing on TV it finally happened. We had just finished watching “Taking of the Pelham 123″ (which isn’t half bad by the way), and I was scrolling through the “guide” to see what was on. I came across the Olympics and noticed that “Curling” was on, and that’s when I discovered my new favorite sport.  

I had heard of Curling before, and made a mental note of it simply because looked so silly. I had never watched it, and my gut told me it was right up my alley, and instantly I was hooked.  Now for those of you that aren’t familiar, here is the shortest, most concise explanation I can give you (or check Wikipedia’s real explanation):

Curling is a sport that takes place on a long slab of ice, and is similar to shuffle board or bocci ball.  Each team of 4 takes turns launching cylindrical granite stones with handles on top, in hopes that they will land in the middle of a bulls eye.  As the stones are released by one player (who will hereby be referred to as a “curler”), two other curlers run next to the stone with 2 different types of brooms, constantly scrubbing and brushing out a pathway, to guide the stone into this bulls eye.  As each stone is positioned on or around said target, the other team launches their stone and tries to knock the other team’s stone out. Sounds pretty stupid right?  WRONG!

There are so many things about the actual game that are so entertaining, and as I read more about the sport, it made me laugh harder and harder.  Let’s start with the basics: the teams and their outfits.  The particular match I watched was between the reigning world champion Great Britain Men’s team, and the home-ice advantaged Canadians.   The GB blokes looked a little like the cast of Snatch, and were less interesting.  However, the 4 Canadians looked like a 3 man boy band and their manager, with one hunkier member that was clearly supposed to be the “Justin” of the group.

For the most part, their outfits looked like they were retail employees, complete with black pants, black leather shoes, and a polo type shirt neatly tucked in.  It was a page straight out of the Radio Shack employee handbook.  Upon further research, I discovered fantastic outfits like the one’s worn by the team from Norway.

But the outfits don’t even begin to paint a picture of the level of entertainment achieved by watching this fabulous sport.  Watching these guys scrub ice at a pace worthy of the Guiness World Record for “rapid sweeping,” is one of the most hilarious things I’ve seen in my adult life.  The other thing I literally couldn’t watch without laughing was the initial release of the stone, which looks like it should be accompanied by a short sound clip of angels singing (like in movies when someone opens a box that has light coming out of it).

But the yoga-like serves and the fast paced swiffering is nothing compared to the constant instruction given as the stone makes its way down the ice.  These guys scream, yell, hoot and holler in languages undetectable to the human ear, and all of the Curlies are mic’d up like a guest on Leno.  Listening to the teams from Great Britain and Canada yell instructions at each other in forms of English that are far different from my beloved first language, was almost better than stand-up comedy.  I ask now that you take a moment and think of the most stereotypical, least understandable British and Canadian accents respectively, and then picture them on someone with Touret’s Syndrome, and you will have it just about spot-on.

Though I’ve only watched one game (if it’s called that), I am literally “checking my local listings” to find out when I can see more.  But aside from that, the experience of watching Curling has left me with a bevy of ridiculous interesting thoughts:

1. I am considering pitching the idea of the P.C.A or Professional Curling Alliance ™.  This will be a televised league, much like the W.W.E in which the Curlers will come complete with personas, interesting outfits, and cool stage names.  Because it’s an olympic sport on the rise of popularity, I plan on making this a worldwide phenomenon.  All revenue will be generated by ticket sales, merch, pay-preview events, and advertising for things like Swiffers, and curling irons.

2. I have a friend named Jerry (who spells it Gerry), that I plan on convincing to quit his job and train to become a Professional Curler, strictly so I can put him in the P.C.A and call his signature move the “Gerry Curl.”

3. Should my league idea fail, I am considering writing my first screen play about the  P.C.A., that I would ask Vince Vaughn to star in, because I really want to see him in that stretched out, serving position (and let’s face it, after “Couple’s Retreat” it’s clear his star is falling).  Vaughn would find himself in a conundrum of sorts, and have to recruit a band of rejects to win money in a Curling Royal.  His character would be named “John Short” because it’s ironic, and because I could call the film “Short & Curlies” ™.

4. My last thought is that I need to find a has-been, out of work, alcoholic Curler, and offer them booze to come to my house to take care of my woodfloors, kitchen and bathroom.  I can only imagine that they could do wonders for the grout.