Singler, Scheyer “incredibly White,” says Kryzewski

Durham, NC – AP

In a candid press conference early Wednesday morning, Duke University’s men’s basketball coach Mike Kryzewski, leader of the current ACC-best Blue Devils, deemed his team’s leaders, Kyle Singler and Jon Scheyer as “incredibly white.”

Reporters nodded slowly, as Kryzewski continued: “You guys know that I like to stack my team with the nation’s most awkward-looking players.”

Kryzewski believes that having really, really white people play on his basketball teams, year after year, helps the Blue Devils in myriad ways.

“It helps to build a steady, consistent fan base among our awkward, white students from New Jersey,” said Kryzewski. “I mean, let’s face it, most of those Cameron Crazies are  socially awkward. It’s far easier for them to identify with a Brian Zoubek, a J.J. Reddick, than some Michael Jordan clone.”

But the dorkiness of Coach K’s white players also makes them greater basketball prospects, said awkward white assistant coach Steve Wojciechowski.

“I, myself – and I can’t speak for Kyle, or Jon, or Bri, or Miles, or Mason – but I never had a girlfriend. No chicks to distract me!” bragged the peppy Wojo. “Man, I gotta tell you, some of the black players we’ve had in the past, like Jason Williams for example, and Carlos Boozer – I’m pretty sure they had sex during the four years they attended Duke University.”

There will be no sex for Kyle Singler, unless he has sunk 100 free throws and made 50 three-point attempts.

The same holds true for veteran swingman Jon Scheyer.

“Jon mostly stays at home and does white things when he’s not making 300 lay-ups from either side of the backboard,” explained white assistant coach Chris Collins. “You know – dancing awkwardly with his teeth pressed into his bottom lip, updating his Facebook page. That kind of thing.”

“We have a tradition of being white,” explained Kryzewski, hastily adding, “and our black players can be white, too.”

“Remember Brian Davis?” he laughed.