Bubble Vests: Friend or Foe

(Disclaimer: As some of you may remember, I’ve been in a sling for the past 2 weeks and have been limited to use of only one hand to type.  Well daddy’s ‘out the sling’ and full of rants, baby.  Fasten your seatbelts cause I’m way backed up, and I’m back on my quest to convince the world to think like me. Bwaaah haaa haaa!”)

In the early to mid 90’s,  I was heavy into NYC-based hip-hop like Mobb Deep, Nas, and Wu-Tang.  Back then my daily uniform consisted of jeans,  anything made by Polo, and chose Timberland boots over sneakers.  In my mind and the minds of those around the local hip-hop scene I was a rapper, and I intended to dress like one, even if it made the older ladies in Food Lion clutch their purses a little tighter.  Winter’s in N.C. weren’t all that cold, but in hip-hop, the bubble vest was king.

I can’t say that I’ve really kept tabs on said style of vest, but if my memory serves me correct, the bubble has pretty much gone in and out of style 100 times in the last 15 or so years, and remained mostly “in.”  Within the last few years, as my style has evolved and my knowledge of fashion has increased (with the help of my lovely wife), I’m amazed not only how this vest has stood the test of time, but also how I simply can’t seem to wrap my head around them.

You see, at 32 (almost 33) years of age, I know what i like to wear and why.  I don’t wear things to “appear” a certain way, or cause it’s “cool.”  I wear what I like because my clothing is an expression of my personality or my mood that day.  It’s fair to say that most guys could give two shits about how they dress,  but I don’t fall in the “most guys” category.  That being said, I just don’t understand the vest?

For the most part, any article of clothing that men wear serves a purpose.  Winter coats or jackets keep you warm, where lighter Fall or Spring jackets keep you a little warm, when warm or semi-warm day turns to chilly night.  Short sleeves expose your arms, because it’s warm and you don’t necessarily want to wear long sleeves, etc, etc, etc.  But I’m not saying anything that isn’t common knowledge here.  So what the Hell is the point of a bubble vest?  Is it to keep only your chest and back  warm, but keep your arms free of that warmth? Is it intended to be a layering piece, and if so would you really want to wear that bulky monstrosity under a jacket?

Now here’s my problem with bubble vests: If it’s too bulky for layering, and not quite warm enough for complete warmth, than what’s the point?  I see the validity in wearing certain things just because of how they look, and not so much for utility, but if wearing them makes you uncomfortable then you’re bordering on femininity.  In other words; as men we are lucky enough not to have to wear high-heels, gross make-up, or use lots of nasty hair products to accomplish our styles, so why now are we wearing something that a) isn’t comfortable and b) isn’t really that stylish anyway?  It would be one thing if we were discussing ties.  I mean, I personally get uncomfortable wearing ties because of the pressure they put on my neck and shoulders, but I do wear the damn things when necessary, and have even put one on solely for the purpose of fashion.

So I guess the main point of this rant is: why has something with such a mysterious purpose so popular?  If you haven’t guessed, this is the type of stuff that just boggles my mind, and the other craziest factor of them all is that I actually don’t think they look that bad?!  How retarded is that?  Anyway, maybe some of you can convince me that bubble vests do have a purpose other than a “Method Man circa ‘98″ costume.”  Until then, I’m going to have to vote: Foe.  Sorry Gangstas.

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