Stephon Marbury to Play in China

Source: ESPN

BEIJING — Two-time NBA All-Star Stephon Marbury will become the highest profile American to play in the Chinese Basketball Association after he agreed to join the league’s Shanxi club.

The 32-year-old, a free agent since leaving the Boston Celtics last season, had agreed to a deal with the northern club and would arrive in Shanxi next week, the team announced on its official Web site.

“The aim of signing Marbury is to pay back our fans and try to win more games in the rest of the season,” said Shanxi boss Wang Xingjiang.

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THE DEVIL WEARS STARBURY

Now then. The last time I was writing about Stephon Marbury, he was eating Vaseline on YouTube and dancing around to “Barbie Girl.” I guess we’re all fortunate, Stephon particuarly, that the Internet is so heavily censored in China that it’s probable his new bosses never saw his unstable ass writhing around like a man-beast begging for help. Seriously, what has gotten into professional athletes recently? How hard can it be to simply keep it together – go to the gym, stay off the angel dust, and comport yourself like a decent, ordinary schmuck?

The good thing for the United States is that, with Stephon Marbury safely in China, not only will our stock rise, but that Sleeping Giant of a country is doomed to fail within three to five months. The REAL trick would be to get Stephon to play in the Iranian Basketball League, where he could probably bring down the government of Ahmemenijad in as little as six week’s time. He is our secret weapon: a completely bald 32-year old narcissist with twelve brain cells banging around noisily in his bubblish head, willing to say anything, anywhere, and completely gifted in the art of ball-hogging, pissing off his own teammates, and selfishly capsizing the team boat when anything doesn’t go his Coney Island Bizarro way.

Thanks, China; now, how about taking Sarah Palin?