What I Am Learning From my Random Army of Twitter Friends; How They are Improving the Very Fabric of My Existence

Yesterday I filled you in on my plot for total world domination, and my grand master plan to become the king of all media, thus removing Howard Stern from his big-schnozzing post. (By the way, since Howard’s moved to Sirius, I think he’s got a lower overall media profile. Maybe I’m mistaken, but that could just be because I have no access to Sirius. Anyway, I think it was kind of a mistake. For my money, and I realize I’ve already gone on about two sentences too long about Howard Stern, because nobody really cares except big fat guys from New Jersey who ardently believe, He speaks for me! as they drive their hairy-forearmed commanded vehicles through bizarre weaving nests of urban traffic, Howard was at his peak in the early ’90′s, when he had his show on WWOR: )

Anyway, my evil plot, as you may recall, is to amass as many Twitter Followers (or TF’s, as they shall now be referred to) as possible. But in order to get a lot of TF’s (or Teefs, as they shall now be referred to), I have to first follow a bunch of totally random people. And I do mean totally, absolutely random. What I do to find people to follow is to go to one person who is already on my Twitter list, and see who they are following. Then I click on a random person’s face, it brings me to their Twitter page, and as long as they’re not a total spamming toilet brush salesman bot with a bunch of Free Penis Enlargement!! posts, then I follow them.

Already, I can see that my ploy

1. Is not working (I still have very few followers)

and

2. is a great way to learn about humanity today. Let’s see what dumbasses I’ve chosen to follow.

@BillWillingham is located in Minnesota and apparently, “I write stories that never happened — except for the stuff that did.”

Wow, that sounds incredibly boring, Bill! What have you got to say for yourself?

Bill: @stephanielantry Vanity. Take me for instance. Having no hair on my chest I must do a double comb over from my arm pits.

Hey, that was kind of amazing, Bill! Thank you for your candor. I thought you were going to give us some too-much-information fat white guy with a dub-chin goatee breakfast news. Now you showed me I’m prejudiced. I like it, I like it! Will look forward to your next tweet.

@Tumitums describes herself as “a conversation piece” and apparently, she is located in “ÜT: 6.434773,3.376741″ Does that mean Utah? Are there attractive black women in Utah? Is this Karl Malone, playing a strange, meaningless prank?

Tumitums: How exactly do you break someones neck? I think I want to try??

Um.

@GodsGift_23 is, according to her, the “epitome of a real woman…wont settle for less than real!” Don’t worry, GG23; I am exceedingly real. And I am following your dunderheaded Twitter posts, many of them which sing tunes alarmingly similar to

they’re taking out my stitches. yaaay!

and

wait, why is he done already?! wow.

If this kind of thing keeps up, I may have to tune into GodsGift_23′s Twitter stream more often; because, of course, I want to be as informed as possible on the rising of her scar; whether she slathered Neosporin all over her dry, ashy elbows; and so on.

One more and then we’re done. This is so fun.

Welcome to @fattboy50. Is this person famous? He seems to have a myspace page; and an overwhelming 220 followers; so I’m saying he definitely isn’t. However, he’s got a “New solo mixtape/ putt yo money where yo mouth i$/cooming soon” – so let’s not sleep on fattboy50. Instead, let’s see what this gentleman’s got to say for himself, in the 1-o.

Can I gett somebody that won’t au gett some real dow not no play dow holla

Hi, um, fattboy50? This is a 33 year old white Jewish guy, with a pot belly. That made no goddamn sense. None.

Just got some dow out the bitch hahahaha like au real boss do yeadatt$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Okay, well, uh, now I’m mad. I’m actually mad atyou, because now you’re just hitting random keys on your phone and laughing.

Lol its time for a change if you won’t a change in your lifr talk ta me real shit

TWITTER!!! Is magical!!!