If at first you don’t look clean, trim, trim again

This pill is going to be a little hard to swallow for my extra manly, Neanderthal type of dude, but this is COOL married guy dot com, not married guy dot com. My goal is to encourage those who are already “in the know,” and help those who want to be. That being said, it’s time to discuss body hair. I know that some of you will argue that we’re Men and that we should look like Apes, because that’s the way the lord made us. But using that logic, women grow hair too, let’s not forget. And unless you’re reading this from a European country who’s culture I’m not familiar with, I can’t imagine you like your woman’s legs and underarms to be hairy. So let’s keep it real here, and discuss what needs to be trimmed, what you could, and what definitely does not.

Let’s start with the musts.

Guys, there is no reason for your armpit hair to be able to be styled with mousse, seriously. I understand that your armpit hair is like an inch and a half long, but that is disgusting. You need to trim it. I’m not saying that you should shave your pits with a Gillette Venus like your wife, I’m saying you should trim those joints down to a respectable length. If you don’t believe me, just watch the NBA. These guys are in sleeveless jerseys all season, do you see them having pit braids? No. Listen to your boy, trim your pits. It will also reduce smell, and sweating. If you have problems with sweaty pits and you’re not trimming them, I’m pretty sure that’s the culprit.

The next thing that must be trimmed is your ears and nose.  As we get older, we find that we lose hair where we want it, and grow it where we don’t.  The ears and the nose are ground zero for unsightly hairs, and it’s your job to keep them in order.   Your nose hairs should not be protruding out of your nostrils, because you are not someone’s grandfather (I guess technically you could be).  I hope that this movement I’ve started makes it to where grandfathers don’t even have this problem when we reach that stage in life.  Ears, same thing.  Nobody at your job or in your personal life wants to look at your earfro.  It’s gross.  Go to your favorite Wal Mart, Target, Bed, Bath, and Beyond, K-Mart, or where ever you spend your hard earned dollars, and buy a trimmer.  They’re cheap, the trimming process is quick, and you’ll thank me for it.  Being married doesn’t mean you should fall off the “caring how you look” wagon.

The back of your neck is the next order of business.  You know where your hairline stops in the back, and turns into straggly, thick, misshapen hair.  That shouldn’t be there.  If you get your haircut by a barber, they will trim this area, and shape the back of your hairline.  As the days go on, this hair will grow back pretty fast, and it’s your job to keep it trimmed.  By no means am I saying you  need to shape the back of your head up every single day (unless that’s your look, which I can totally relate to), but make sure you’re checking it out from time to time.   If you cut your own hair, or shave your head, make sure you’re not forgetting about Stragsville.  It’s also a trick to preserving your haircut.  Depending on what length you like to keep your hair, most of what makes you look as though you need a haircut within a short period of time is the back of your neck.  Trim it.  “Do it. Do it.” -Ben Stiller

Facial hair is optional, but if you’re going to do it then do it correctly.  I know some of you like to rock the lumberjack look, and that’s fine.  But take a few minutes to make sure that your mustache isn’t going over your top lip.  That, my friends, is gross.  How many times have you looked at an older gentleman in your family when they are eating or drinking, and seen food or drink on their ‘stache?  (I just threw up in my mouth a little)  If you want to live by my rules, make sure whatever facial hair you choose to wear is always trimmed.  I would never let my goatee or mustache get bulky, because then it goes from something that makes your look a little bit more interesting, to something that makes you look dirty.  No facial hair, no problem.

Here’s where the discussion gets a little hairy (ha!).  Let’s talk back and shoulders for a second.  I’m going to preface this by saying that this is not one of those “it’s law because I say so” situations, which is usually the stance I take on things like this that I write about.  But personally, I think a hairy back and hairy shoulders is not attractive.  Listen, I get it, it grows there and we’re men.  But we’ve already been over this.  Hair grows under your wife’s armpits and legs too, and you don’t want to see that.  Maybe your lady likes you looking like an orangutan, but personally I like to look like a human.  Specifically a human that cares about what he looks like.  I don’t recommend shaving because it grows back fast.  If you’re going to do it the right way, don’t be scared to be a little metro-curious (TM).  Waxing is cheap if you find the right place, or if you really want to be bold and nip it in the bud, go for the lazer hair removal.  I’ve heard it actually works and hurts less than waxing.  I know, I know, you’re too manly for this.  Well this suggestion is only for the advanced, so treat it as such.

Lastly, let’s talk top of chest/bottom of neck.  For conversation purposes, let’s call it your “check.” Specifically, I am referring to the area just beyond where the neck of a crew-neck shirt would stop.  Listen, you are not your dad, and it’s not the 80′s.  Your chest hair should not be coming out of your shirt.  You should also not allow any portion of hair to exist between the neck of your shirt and where you shave your neck.  It only makes you look unkempt, and just reads “I’m sweaty and I smell.”  Never, EVER a good look.  This is not up for discussion.  This is law.

Now let’s tackle the areas I like to call “ok in moderation.”

The first neighborhood of the body I would like to discuss is the actual chest.  Now this area is up for debate.  Do I personally think a guy needs to trim his chest hair?  Not necessarily.  Do I personally trim my chest a little bit, yes.  When I was a single man who went to the gym everyday, I used to shave my chest like I was a calender model, even though I didn’t have the muscles to back that look up.  In retrospect, it’s a little wacky to have the chest of a Pre-schooler as a tax-paying adult, but definitely not a complete no-no.  If you work out, and that’s your thing, then by all means shave or wax that joint.  I will say that this is where you start to blur the line between metro-curious (TM) and full-on metro-sexual.  Personally, my wife loves my hairy chest, I just like it better when I can’t twist up dreadlocks on my chest, so I trim it down.  If you are in the same boat as me, I recommend investing in some “barber shears,” also known as “trimmers,” “clippers,” or as my wife likes to call them “buzzers.”  These are made to handle the hair on your head, so they do wonders for your body and facial hair.  It’s worth the investment, trust me.

The next topic is eyebrows.  I myself have pretty thick eyebrows, but I sort of like how they contrast my shaved head, and trimmed facial hair.  Though I am pretty hairy in general (T.M.I, I know) I have been fortunate enough to not have a uni-brow.  If I had a major one, I’d probably do something about it.  Mine exists, but you can only see it if you’re close enough to kiss me on the mouth, which you’ll probably never be.  I also have a few light hairs around my eyebrows that detract from the shape, but again, I sort of like that.  If you want, you can take care of those hairs, but again we’re blurring the lines here.  I’m 32, and if you’re younger than me and haven’t reached this point yet, let me tell you what happens as you get older: your damn eyebrows start to grow.  Do what you want, but I recommend trimming them to the length that they used to be.  I’m not quite “Grandpa” status yet, but I do notice a few wild ones from time to time, and  I don’t like ‘em, so I trim them down.  Again, do what you want, but I’m just sayin’….

^^^^^^ GOOD ^^^^^^^

Definitely don’ts.

What, you thought we were done talking about eyebrows? Listen to me my friend.  I’m gonna say this one time and one time only: Do not, by any means, arch your eyebrows.  Let me rephrase that, don’t arch your eyebrows unless you don’t mind looking a bit feminine.  If that is your thing, then who am I to tell you how to live?  But if you are a member of this little fraternity I call CMG, whether married or not, DO. NOT. ARCH. YOUR. EYEBROWS. I don’t care what nationality you are.  I don’t care if you think this is “fly” because you’re from Washington Heights, and this is what all your friends are doing.  I don’t even care if your barber just naturally goes for it at the end of your haircut.  This is not sexy.   Well, not to women.

Legs, arms, and hands? I’m gonna have to vote nay.  Unless you’re a competative swimmer, I can’t come up with any reason why you should trim or shave your legs, unless of course you do drag.  Arms and hands, same thing.  I will say though, if I had the arms and hands of Robin Williams, I may reconsider this paragraph, but that’s pretty unique.  I did however have an old boss that had super hairy hands, and my wife once joked that they were “so 80′s.”

(side note: I’m not addressing your junk. That’s your business)

I hope this has helped people.  If nothing else, maybe I’ve made you feel good about yourself.  Or maybe you read this and thought “Wow, he wasn’t joking.  He really has over-analyzed everything.”  Well my over-analyzation is your gain. That’s what I’m here for.  Feel free to ask any follow up questions.