Just get divorced already

This is a short message to all of you who are in marriages that you know are not happy. You and your wife argue all the time. You’re not friends, and frankly you resent each other. You don’t want the same things in life, and you’re just together because it’s too much of a hassle to get divorced. You have nothing in common, and you only got married because you were “getting older” and that’s “what people do.” Sound familiar? Well here’s the message for you: stop playing, it’s time to get divorced.

I’m tired of seeing you in restaurants not saying a word to one another over dinner, or in airports bickering about nothing. Whether or not you should pull your carry on bag with your left or right hand, is not a pressing issue and you should both just shut your stupid mouths. Do you really want to be old, gray, and crotchety and be in the same position? Your life is going to totally suck. You’re going to cheat on one another, and live lies everyday. You’ll dread having to go home. You’ll eventually have kids, which will put even more stress on the relationship, then you’ll ruin the lives of innocent children who never asked to be born. But the most important thing here is that you make me extremely uncomfortable, so I’m asking you as a favor, to please get divorced before I have to see the two of you together ever again. I hate you both even more than you hate each other. In fact, I hate you only slightly less than you hate yourselves. Seriously. Do it. Today. Not tomorrow, but today.