The tale of the Duke shorts: a “short” story

(Disclaimer: this is only for college basketball fans…and it’s completely true.)

As a child, I cared more about Duke Basketball than anything else. I went to Duke Basketball Camp, and a bunch of other camps, to perfect my skills, waiting for the day when I was going to get recruited by Coach Mike Krzyzewski. I was a decent player, but I was tall as a kid and then stopped growing. Basically now, I’m the height of a short point guard and have the ball handling skills of a center. After my 10th grade year, I pretty much stopped caring about basketball and focused all of my attention on music, which had always been a close 2nd to basketball.

Through out the years, my involvement in basketball has diminished. I’ve watched less, and I’ve played even less than that. So as my life has become more stable, and music is no longer in the picture for me, I’ve fallen in love with basketball again. Most recently, I’ve been playing basketball every single Thursday night. The exercise is good, and the enjoyment is even better. Since I’m a man who cares about his appearance, I bought some new basketball shoes when I was at the Nike outlet in Woodbury Commons, and as my game improved, I felt it was only right to “up my shorts game,” to better “look the part.” What better shorts to get than the official Duke basketball shorts that the players wear? Here is where the irony began.

Anyone who is familiar with the Duke Basketball team knows that being a Duke fan has been a fairly annoying journey. We have 3 championships, but other than that, there’s been little to no good: lost battles with our arch rival UNC, many easy games lost, last second shots blown, etc. My ordering process was the same way.
I ordered a size Large, they arrived and were too big, so I called up and ordered a Medium. The company was very accommodating and told me they would send the new pair out at once, and that I should use the return label provided for free return shipping. They did exactly what they said and shipped the new shorts out to me the same day. It seemed like everything was going great!

The next day, the company incorrectly shipped out another pair of shorts. Before I got excited that I was about to get a free pair, I checked my account and they had also incorrectly charged me twice. I called the next day to alert the company, and they told me they would call UPS to stop the 2nd pair from arriving. I told them to make sure they recalled the 2nd pair and not the first, because I wanted to play in the shorts in a few days. They came back on the phone and said it was done. When I tracked the package, they had recalled the first pair and not the 2nd. Now I would get my shorts on Monday, instead of Thursday. When Monday came, the shorts did not. I tracked the package and the information was that they had an address discrepancy. Turns out they put the correct address with the wrong city. Awesome, kinda like when Duke starts off the season undefeated and then loses to the University of Southern College of Universities State University-Las Vegas in the first round of the NCAA tournament. Finally, the shorts came and they were wonderful and it only took the company and additional 7 days to process my two refunds.

When Thursday came, I was like a child anticipating the debut of my new shorts. See I had ordered the black ones, which was sort of an evil Spiderman version of their normal blue away jerseys. I wanted to make a statement! I got to the gym a few minutes early to make sure my shot was on, and that I could stretch, because I didn’t want any problems tonight. Finally, we shot for teams, and of course I hit my free throw to solidify a playing spot. In fact, I hit my free throws for all 5 games that we played. I mean, why wouldn’t I? That’s what Duke does.

When the games started, I was forced to guard the tallest guy on the floor, who is about 6’4 and had about 4 inches on me, making my team inferior in the post….hmm, where does that sound familiar from? A team that is constantly inferior in the “big guy” department? I decided I would have to play with heart. I remembered all of my old coaches telling me to “front” the big man so that they would have to lob the ball over me, at which point the help defense would pick him up. Unfortunately for me, this was a pick-up game and no one on my team shared that sentiment. The tall guy I was guarding owned me, and we lost.

For the 2nd game, this kid on my team who claims to have “coached basketball in high school,” told me to play between the player and the basket, to make him have to put the ball on the floor or fade away to shoot. I did just that, and in true Blue Devil fashion, I shut his ass down. The right coach, and the right shorts and I was a defensive maniac. Think Shane Battier, or Billy King. The guy I was guarding may have had 2 points and I even had a few blocks and steals to go along with my assists and rebounds. I was slowly becoming the defensive player that was key to our team being successful that night, and continually took this guy completely out of his game.

Now when it came to offense, I was being guarded by the same tall drink of Gatorade that was guarding me. He was quick, and I found it hard to get open….shocker. I missed a few easy shots, and had a few put-backs from Offensive rebounds. I missed a few jump shots, and made a few key ones, but overall I was not that strong offensively. Think Shane Battier or Billy King….wait, I already said that! Damn you Duke shorts! You have turned me into a role player! How dare you!

All in all, those shorts gave me the experience of a true Blue Devil Baller. It was frustrating, but eventually it was ok, but kind of not. I was good, but not great. I mattered enough to my team to make a difference, but if there were any scouts there I’d be getting no invites to try out for the NBA development league. I made a huge difference in a relatively small way, but I was not necessarily memorable. And at the end of the day, I felt JUST like a Duke player. Next purchase, Michael Jordan jersey.