Minneapolis thru my eyes

First off, I want to congratulate my homie Josh Cohen for becoming a certified Cool Married Guy this past Saturday 11/7. Because his new wife Louise was from Minneapolis, the wedding was there and yours truly was in attendance. Though I was only there for about 27 hours, I got a chance to experience how a place like MPLS really differs from NYC, and possibly the rest of the world.

The first thing I did when I got off my 3 hour flight was use the bathroom. While at the Urinal, (pronounced ur-EYE-null in the UK) I looked to the left and noticed a syringe receptacle. I started thinking about if this was something that one normally sees in the men’s bathroom, and I couldn’t quite recall such a thing. What bugged me out the most was the fact that it was about 3/4 full. Now I have to believe that this thing is probably getting emptied at least a few times a week, right? So I guess Minneapolis is either the diabetes capital of the world, or a great place to score “junk.”

Being the “always in a rush” New Yorkers that my wife and I have become, we decided to jump in a cab and head for the hotel in downtown MPLS. “How much could it cost?” we thought. I mean, one of the best things about living in New York is that if and when you go to any other state, you are pleasantly surprised by how much cheaper everything is. The cab system there is wacky. They don’t just drive by. You have to cross the street and go around a median, and when you get there everything is extremely organized. In fact, we stopped at the closest cabs to where we were coming from and the guy basically said something to the affect of “no it’s not my turn yet, go up there.” The cab drivers were all super friendly and basically made me allow him to open the door for my wife, and kept asking us if we were comfortable with the temperature in the car. While in the car, we sat back and noticed how beautiful it was, until my eye caught the meter. Umm, why does it say $15 and I can still see the airport? Yes, the cab drivers there have to be making 6 figures a year, because the meter goes up .30 every 10 seconds. We arrived at the hotel about 15 minutes later and this was the meter:

I know you can’t really read it but it says “$32.58,” plus “$3.70″ for the “airport fee.” That plus a tip (well at least one that doesn’t make you look like a cheapskate by having to say “um, could I get a dollar back please”) equals $40. 40 damn dollars! I went 15 minutes in Minnesota for 40 damn dollars! That I was not expecting.

Once we settled in to the Double Tree Hotel, I was impressed with the decor of the room. It was nothing but high end finishes, and the latest in high tech appliances like this sweet microwave, and a mini fridge that was so old the white had turned to yellow.

Though we were there for a wedding which was our main agenda, we couldn’t leave without trying a “Juicy Jucy Lucy.”  An avid TV watcher, I learned about the famed burger from an episode of  “Man vs. Food,” on the Travel Chanel.  For those unfamiliar, the host is a portly gent that travels around exploring the local cuisine of each city he visits, and also takes whatever food challenges are offered at any of the local restaurants.  He winds up having to eat entire pizzas the size of a Mini Cooper, or burritos that contain a dozen eggs, a dozen potatoes, and a small Mexican family.

There are basically 2 restaraunts that claim to have invented the burger: Matt’s (who spells it Jucy Lucy) and the 5-8 Club (that spells it Juicy Lucy).   I didn’t really know which one I wanted to go for, so it boiled down to one thing: convenience.  Upon Googling “Juicy Lucy” I found that the 5-8 club wasn’t even on the first page of results.  Ball Game, Matt’s it is.

When I got to Matt’s it was mobbed. Fortunately the main attraction is cheeseburgers so it moves fast, and we were seated after only a 10 minute wait.  The place is very charming and hasn’t been touched probably ever.  The menu is still the same little black felt board with the white pins, that are either letters or numbers.  Fortunately for me, the prices haven’t been adjusted much either, and the Jucy Lucy is about $5. 

The famed burger has cheese cooked inside the meat, creating a cheesy, molten effect. 

Exactly what you think that would be like on your taste buds, and your hands, is exactly what it’s like.  The waitress even warns  you before you bite into it, so you don’t burn your face off.  I was with about 5 other people, and we all agreed that it was hands down the best burger we’ve all ever eaten.  It’s completely worth the trip.

I also appreciated that Matt’s had delicious fries, and a fine selection of draft beer including a local beer “Grainbelt,” which sorta tastes like Budwieser, and more importantly I could get a pitcher of for $12.  I also liked the barn-like bathroom because it reminded me of summer camp, which was ironic in that the groom to be was my friend from said camp.  I mean, you gotta love any door that locks like this:

And you have to love a urinal that helps to bring the locals together to chat, play an impromptu game of “don’t cross the streams,”  and compare the size of each other’s…..Jucy Lucy grease stains.

I was also confused to find this in the bathroom:

How did that get there? Amazing!

While there, I also learned that the “lightrail” train system works by the “honor system.”  They charge you $1.75 a ride, but there’s no one there to ever see if you got a ticket, which you don’t need to get on or off of the train.  I wasted $3.50.

I also learned that Target was founded in Minneapolis, so we decided we had to go there.  I mean, not going there is like going to Washington, DC and not visiting the Lincoln Memorial.  The target was a monster! Definitely the biggest one I’ve ever been in, and it was filled with Minneapolis’s elite like this classy broad

And this fashion icon:

Lasty, I noticed there may be more Starbucks per square mile than NYC, and there is almost no graffiti, or litter.  All in all it was a great trip, and an even greater wedding.  Congrats again to Josh and Louise.  Enjoy Jamaica!

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