Fun with Facial Hair

“That…is absurd!” – Rick James ’04

I’ve been a goatee man since 9th grade. Well, the beard didn’t really connect to the ‘stache back then, but I tried my best. Now at 32 the goatee is strong. Me personally, I’m more of a “trimmed kind of dude” so I don’t rock the big, unrully joint made popular in the redneck and biker worlds. I was a hip-hop kid growing up, so I learned to keep mine looking sharp. After 17 years of shaping that bad boy, I have to say I’ve become a bit of a pro. I keep barber quality “clippers” to control the length. Not the Wal-Mart kind, but the kind your barber probably uses (unless of course you go to a “stylist”). For the shape, I use barber quality “T-Edgers” to make sure no wild hairs are growing over my top lip and the shape is proper. Now maybe you don’t want your goat to be as trimmed as mine, and of course that’s fine. Each one should definitely match the person wearing it. But should you choose to trim and shape it, a company called “Goatee Saver” makes…well…a Goatee Saver. I have to say it’s a decent idea in theory, but the equipment alone makes it potentially the dumbest Gd damn thing I’ve ever seen. Like seriously, are you really going to hold something in your mouth and shave around it? The thing looks like a medieval torture device, and frankly if I came around the corner and saw someone using it, I’d scream like a girl. Listen, take it from a pro goateesman, it’s not that serious. No woman is going to ever tell you that she doesn’t find you attractive because you’re goatee isn’t shaped perfect enough. I’m also pretty sure that none of your friends will ever even notice it. If you want some more professional tools, I have given you some gems you can explore. I also have a friend that puts a glade candle around his facial hair and shaves around it, which sounds crazy but apparently works. If you’re worried about the sides of your goatee not looking exactly like one another, I will offer you this piece of advice: They’re brothers, not twins. They don’t have to be identical. So take what I have said and rock your goatee proud. Or, you can spend $19.95 plus shipping and handling, and make yourself look like you’re wearing a C3PO mask.